Picture this: a man in a suit, contracts in hand, marching down a hallway like he’s heading into battle.
He swings open the office door, eyes locked on his business partner. He’s angry. He’s certain. He’s ready to set the record straight.
“This is outrageous,” he says, slamming the folder on the desk. “You agreed to these terms. You’re backing out now?”
The partner, calm but resolute, folds his hands. “No, I didn’t agree to that.”
“Yes, you did,” the man in the suit snapped.
“No, I didn’t,” his partner replied, calm as ever.
The conversation spirals. The angrier the businessman gets, the firmer his partner digs in. No progress. No compromise. A stalemate; nowhere to go. And that was it – just one word, over and over: No.
When the man walks out, nothing changes except his blood pressure.
Now pause here. Let’s talk about what just happened.
The problem wasn’t the disagreement. The problem was the approach. He came in swinging – accusation first, challenge second. He backed the other person into a corner. And people don’t make deals when they feel cornered. They defend themselves. They harden.
The second someone says “no,” it’s like concrete drying. Fast. Solid. Tough to crack.
Dale Carnegie called this The Secret of Socrates in “How to Win Friends and Influence People.”
He wrote: “In talking with people, don’t begin by discussing the things on which you differ. Begin by emphasizing – and keep on emphasizing – the things on which you agree. … Get the other person saying ‘yes, yes’ at the outset. Keep your opponent, if possible, from saying ‘no.‘”
Socrates mastered this. He didn’t argue. He asked questions. Obvious ones. Undeniable ones. Questions that showed both sides were aligned. Only differing in the method. One yes, then another. And slowly, the tension faded. The resistance dropped. The conversation shifted. They weren’t on opposite sides anymore. They were on the same page.
Let’s come back to our world.
Instead of walking into a room with fire and a point to prove, try starting with this: “You want what’s best for the team, right? You care about this project like I do, right? You want this to work.”
Get agreement on the big picture before diving into the details. Because once someone’s in “yes mode,” they’re far more likely to stay there.
The truth is, “no” is more than a word – it’s a wall. And once it’s up, good luck getting through. But “yes” is a bridge. It connects people. It opens doors.
Now, picture a good salesman talking to a potential customer – not the pushy kind, but the thoughtful, sharp kind.
He doesn’t start with, “So, are you ready to buy?” He starts with questions so obvious they’re effortless to answer: “You’re looking for something reliable, right?”
“Yes.”
“You want to make sure you’re getting the best value for your money?”
“Yes.”
“And I’m guessing you don’t want to waste time shopping around forever.”
“Exactly.”
Three yeses, right out of the gate.
What just happened? The customer started nodding – not just physically, but mentally. They felt understood. They felt like the salesperson was on their side. And now, the next sentence – “Let me show you what I think is a great fit” – doesn’t feel like a pitch. It feels like teamwork.
The beauty of this isn’t that it tricks people. It’s that it meets them where they are. We don’t move forward when we feel forced. We move forward when we feel seen.
And this isn’t just for sales or business.
A parent asks a teenager, “You want your room to feel peaceful, right?” A coach says to their team, “You want to win just as badly as I do.” A teacher calming a classroom: “You want to enjoy this time together, don’t you?”
Shared goals, voiced early, dissolve resistance before it ever shows up. They create alignment, and alignment creates momentum.
So next time you need to persuade someone – whether in a boardroom, a negotiation, a relationship, or just a conversation – remember the Secret of Socrates.
Lead with agreement. Start with what’s obvious. Find common ground. Get the nods early.
Because anyone who leads, teaches, builds or negotiates will tell you – once they’re nodding, you’re already halfway home.
• Toby Moore is a Shaw Local News Network columnist, star of the Emmy-nominated film “A Separate Peace,” and CEO of CubeStream Inc. He can be reached at feedback@shawmedia.com.