Have I been gaslighted?

Over the past couple of years, I have heard the phrase gaslighting or being gaslighted. Perhaps it was meant to be political, but it never made sense to me. Because of that, I decided to see what the phrase was really all about, and I learned a lot.

Let’s start with a definition I found online. “Gaslighting is the questioning of one’s memory. It can be the refusal to listen to someone close to you or faking confusion to make the other person doubt his or her reasonableness. It can be the changing the focus of a discussion by questioning the other person’s credibility.”

Well, that was not enough for me to really understand. Gaslighting. Now that is a strange word for some mental condition. What does lighting have to do with the other person’s sanity or intelligence?

I found the answer. The term actually came from the title of a movie made in 1944, which itself was based on a play in the late 1930s.

I went online and found a DVD for $6 and ordered it. I watched it closely one evening and was rather impressed that the four main actors were Ingrid Bergman, Charles Boyer, Joseph Cotton and Angela Lansbury. In fact, Bergman won an Oscar for outstanding actress that year.

The movie is rather dark. It starts with a woman singing with a coach and a piano player. As the theme moves on, we find this singer’s daughter is living in her mother’s house after the singer’s death, believed to be a murder. Soon, a man appears, sweeping her off her feet, and they marry. It took a while to realize, but this new man was the mother’s piano player from the earlier scene.

Then comes the part that would lead to the title. Apparently, there was some wealth hidden in the house in the form of jewelry, obviously now belonging to the daughter. Over a period, the sanity and clarity of the daughter is being questioned by her husband. She supposedly misplaces items, doesn’t remember what he has told her, and seems to be losing it. Added to that is a weird happenings when the husband is not in the house. There are strange noises, but most importantly, the gas lamps in the house flicker and then fade almost to dark. When she explains these happenings to her husband, he again doubts her.

With the women about to totally lose her mind, we learn that the husband has entered the attic from the house next door and is making the noises and banging. He also plays with the gas going to the house, causing the flickering of the lamps. Of course, when the husband returns, there are no noises nor flickering of the gas lamps.

The movie continues with the woman’s bewilderment and her starting to believe she is crazy. But then enters Joseph Cotton as an FBI agent looking into the death of the woman’s mother. Let it end that the husband was the murderer, and all this gaslighting and behavior was done to drive the daughter – now his wife – crazy so he could get the jewels.

Of course, the film was black-and-white. Not a distraction at all, as the acting carrying out this diabolical plot to drive the wife, Bergman, insane is a real attention grabber.

I now knew that playing with gaslights brought us the new word for this type of mental torture. Although it may not be a totally accepted condition by the psychology profession, the actions are recognized as destructive mental harassment. This behavior is a method of gaining control over someone else by breaking down a person’s personal trust, convincing a partner he or she is unreliable or forgetful, and even suggesting mental instability.

Gaslighting can occur in intimate relationships, child/parent settings, the workplace or often racial situations. Signs of this technique can find the affected person beginning to feel uncertain of his or her actions, or overly questioning whether an act or statement was totally incorrect. It can give the feeling of incompetency or being conflicted, and often resulting in withdrawal or isolation.

If one feels he or she is being gaslighted, here are some ways to protect oneself. Keep a diary with dates, times and details of what happened right after the event. Keep the log secret. Then, if accused, one has some ammunition. Talk to someone trustworthy who has no stake in the case. Take pictures to prove your point. Perhaps even secretly record these conversations when the gaslighting occurs.

Psychologists do recognize a personality disorder in these provokers. Most often the perpetrator has a narcissistic personality disorder.

Beware the partner who often says “I never said that,” “You have a terrible memory,” “I’m not angry,” “What are you talking about?” “I remember that you already agreed to do that, and now you don’t recall it.” “I’m not sure your friends/family have your best interest at heart.”

Anyone can be gaslighted from time to time, but if it continues over a period of time, one should seek some independent advice. Maybe I am crazy, or maybe you want me to think I’m crazy. All in all, it’s not a nice word to use indiscriminately against anyone.

Then again, perhaps the words of Douglas Adams, the author of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy," might give some comfort: “I think I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I have ended up where I needed to be.”