Paperwork: The world is full of people feeling fine. But are they?

“Don’t say it. Please don’t say it.”

That’s me, my train of thought as I watch a typical scene unfolding on TV. Someone rushing into a hospital room to see a loved one bruised and battered, maybe shot or stabbed. Lucky to be alive.

And the first thing they say is, “Are you OK?”

No-no-no-no. No, they are not OK.

Those who craft this dialogue follow this formula because they want it to feel real. Not logical. And it is kind of real. It’s how we talk to each other all the time.

“How are ya?”

“Oh, I’m fine. Fine.”

That’s kind of how the standard exchange goes, right? I’ve said it many, many times and heard it so many times the words seem meaningless. The question is automatically asked with no expectation of a real answer.

I’ve become overly sensitive to this simple greeting. I try to avoid saying it, but it’s not easy. I joke sometimes when asked, “How are you?” I might respond, “Better than I look.”

I shouldn’t joke, but we do use that greeting loosely. The other person is supposed to say, “I’m fine. I’m good. How are you?” And that’s our cue to say the same thing, “Good. Good. I’m fine.”

That’s how language works sometimes. It can produce more noise than meaning. We respond with what’s expected. But, what if we didn’t?

My friend Bill drove this point home some time ago when shared a graphic with this simple intro: “Your loved one tells you, ‘I’m fine.’ There’s a good chance they’re not.”

The graphic shows that greeting: “How are you?” In much larger type is the word “Fine.” The word is over a background of whispering grey type, a stack of words hidden behind the word “Fine.”

They are the words unspoken, such as “broken, useless, clueless, confused, betrayed, fragile, on the verge of tears, anxious, about to break down, lonely, bitter, rejected, crushed, defeated and empty. I feel like I’m going to just fall apart at any moment. Never good enough.”

The message is clear. We carry around pain, in one form or another. And don’t share it because that is what is expected. It’s not the right time or place. And perhaps not the right person listening.

Still, we ask the question, “How are you?” And that’s OK. I’ve dissected that little query too much probably. It’s a quick and easy form of politeness. A simple greeting that can be sincere and enhanced with a handshake or hug. And that’s it.

Sometimes, though, the word “fine” feels like an invitation or hint that there is more ... left unsaid.

Like Bill said, I need to remember “fine” is not the same as “great.” And there are times when all of us need and want to say more. And most important we need someone to listen.

I think most of us know when the time is right to ask, “But ... are you really fine?” And be willing to listen.

• Lonny Cain, retired managing editor of The Times in Ottawa, also was a reporter for The Herald-News in Joliet in the 1970s. His Paperwork email is lonnyjcain@gmail.com. Or mail The Times, 110 W. Jefferson St., Ottawa, IL 61350.