Oliver: Before school starts, let’s make sure kids are prepared to handle bullies

When I think about junior high, it’s hard not to hear the echoes of the taunts that used to follow me around: “Joan, you’re my hero.”

The words were said in that awful, singsong mocking tone that bullied kids probably know all too well. And it usually was delivered in a place where a lot of people could hear it and snicker along.

Life hadn’t been that difficult in elementary school, and I was shocked when suddenly I was the target of negativity for so many things over which I had absolutely no control: my looks, where I lived, what my parents did for work and the like.

I remember how stressed out I was to be at school, which was completely opposite of how I normally would be. I loved school because I love to learn new things. I did well in school, which was another reason that the popular kids felt the need to mock me.

The taunts would begin on the bus ride to school, from the rich kids who used to live in Bull Valley. It would progress to the popular girls later in the day who would make fun of the fact that I didn’t wear the Sergio Valente or Gloria Vanderbilt jeans that were all the rage.

When I walked down an aisle in class, I would get slapped by rulers. When it was gym class, I’d have to dodge basketballs that were thrown at my head.

Eventually, it must have been apparent that something was happening to me because I found myself in counseling for self-esteem issues. I remember at the time being mad that I, the victim, was the one who was being “punished.” Honestly, though, I needed to be built back up again.

I suppose all of this is why I become annoyed when people try to say that bullying is just “kids being kids.” As if cruelty was just part of growing up.

Bullying is not normal behavior, nor should we allow it to be.

Still, some say that bullies are just the product of bad parenting. Although some of that might be true, it’s also quite possible that bullies can come from good families, too. After all, kids are pretty good at hiding things, particularly unsavory ones, from their parents.

No doubt some bullies are just trying to fit into the social hierarchy that develops at schools. Fitting in at all costs sometimes means a nice kid goes along with the crowd to avoid being singled out too.

That’s why it’s so important that we have conversations with our kids about treating everyone with respect and kindness. We need to discuss bullying before school starts.

We need to let our children know that we will listen to them and that we will tackle this problem together. We can help our children have a strategy to cope with bullying before it happens.

Part of the problem in my own case was that my parents were both bus drivers for my school district, and my mother wasn’t particularly popular with the students. Guess who they took it out on?

One of the things that probably would have helped me at the time was the advice to try to avoid the bully as much as possible. Also, to avoid places where bullying was likely to happen.

I did keep to myself at recess. I’d sit in one of the window wells along the side of Parkland School in McHenry. It was there that a girl came one day and just sat next to me.

What Roberta did that day was give me an ally. To this day, I believe that she saved my life. I had gotten so depressed that my thoughts were going to very dark places.

That’s another thing we can discuss with our children: how to stand up for those who are bullied. There is strength in numbers, and if we teach our children to be kind to the bullied, we are raising better humans. Having a friend can make a huge difference; it did for me.

I can’t imagine how much harder it is for kids in this age of social media. No doubt my bullies would have been even more adept at making my life miserable.

We can have a discussion of that aspect of bullying too. Some great tips for what to do in the event of cyberbullying can be found online at stopbullying.gov.

School will be starting soon all over the area. Now is a great time to equip our kids with some anti-bullying tips to go along with those school supplies.

Kindness matters.

• Joan Oliver is the former Northwest Herald assistant news editor. She has been associated with the Northwest Herald since 1990. She can be reached at jolivercolumn@gmail.com.