Oliver: Sometimes it takes a village to get a caregiver a much-needed break

I’m not going to lie. Life with my husband, Tony, who has been dealing with early onset Alzheimer’s disease since 2015, has been getting harder.

Whether it’s because his disease has progressed or because he’s dealing with an infection that is hard to detect, he’s been ornerier. He also walks constantly throughout the house rearranging things, all while babbling incoherently or swearing, which is something he stopped doing years ago.

Videos that purport to help caregivers navigate these times of aggression often put the blame on the caregiver. We aren’t “reading” our person correctly and we shouldn’t push to have certain things done.

Of course, that isn’t helpful when the task that needs to be done isn’t negotiable. Perhaps the message should be to pick one’s battles carefully. Even so, there have been times when all I’ve been doing is standing there and Tony comes up to me for the purpose of punching me in the gut. So much for pushing.

I suppose it’s not surprising that my mental state has been all over the map. To say that it’s hard to have the love of your life causing pain – mentally and physically – would be an understatement. Add the grief of knowing that Tony’s situation will only get worse, and it’s no wonder that I find myself on the cusp of despair from time to time.

How grateful and relieved I was when one of my friends offered to organize monthly outings for me. She invites people from a list I’ve provided and then her husband arranges for some of Tony’s friends to sit with him while I’m out for a while.

This past Friday was one of those outings, and I couldn’t have had a better day for it.

Three of my friends and I decided to give the Autumn Drive a try. (Full details about the event can be found at autumndrive.net.)

I had heard about this annual event in the Marengo-Union-Woodstock area for years. In fact, it was a favorite of my friend Linda, who died unexpectedly in April. I had hoped to go with her one of these years, so our group brought her memory along for the ride.

For the uninitiated, the Autumn Drive is a group of stops that include farms and shops. Some stops have food trucks, others have animals to pet and most have vendors. It’s a fine way to see the countryside during the fall and to do a little shopping.

For this frazzled brain of mine, it was just what I needed. My friends were in high spirits, and that helped me to relax a bit. The laughter was downright medicinal.

We only had a few hours, so we tried to be selective about which stops we’d hit. If we had had the whole day, we would have gone to all the open ones. (At least one stop wasn’t open Friday.)

Our first stop was a new location on the drive in Woodstock, ClayMirth, that featured pottery. As someone who has always loved to fill my home with art, it was right up my alley. So many beautiful things, but I settled on a lovely piece by Ellen Judson. It will bring back happy memories every time I look at it.

Then it was on to Cody’s Farm and Orchard, where one friend bought fresh produce, and the others picked up elderberry syrup. We all shared an amazing caramel apple in a bowl. Delicious!

Our next stop – at Windy Pines in Marengo – offered a chance to sample the fare from one friend’s favorite food truck. I also scored some art magnets to add to my collection. One of my friends bought a couple of bags of kettle corn, which we all got to try.

Grasser Antiques in Woodstock gave all of us a chance to remember our childhood. If you’re in the market for a wooden trunk, this would be a good place to check out.

Our last stop was Perkins Hall, which is part of the McHenry County Historical Society. The vendors there were super friendly, and it was a satisfying end to a great adventure.

A lot of people were needed for me to be able to get this much-needed break and I am grateful to each one. Happily, Tony also managed to cooperate (for the most part) back at home.

As for Autumn Drive, my friends and I can’t wait for next year. And I’m already looking forward to next month’s outing.

• Joan Oliver is the former Northwest Herald assistant news editor. She has been associated with the Northwest Herald since 1990. She can be reached at jolivercolumn@gmail.com.