Oliver: Practicing gratitude can help even during the most challenging times

Here we are again at the time of year when everyone pauses to give thanks and express gratitude.

With all the talk about counting one’s blessings, it’s no wonder that a lot of people associate it with fake, greeting-card emotions. However, real gratitude can be the difference between happiness and despair. It also holds the key to having resilience in the face of challenging circumstances.

But, Joan, how can I be grateful when my world is crumbling around me? It’s not fair.

Sadly, life isn’t fair.

Is it fair that my sweet, intelligent, amazing husband developed a terminal, progressive neurological disease in his 50s, robbing us of not only decades of happy married life but also turning me into a full-time caregiver and a widow in progress? Certainly not.

Is it fair that after spending years taking care of my mother with dementia that I would be diagnosed with breast cancer the year after she died and then again not even five years later? Maybe I deserved it, but I don’t think it’s particularly fair.

Despite all that, regular readers know that I’m not one to hang my head and complain. Although I clearly have ample reason to do so.

I also must admit that I’m not naturally an optimist. I work hard to remain positive amid all the challenging things that I deal with on a regular basis.

Gratitude and positivity can veer into Pollyanna territory. That’s probably why a lot of people dismiss it as not being realistic. Faking it until you make it might work in some things, but it’s usually fairly easy for people to see through it.

So, how does one actually become more grateful? First, we need to look around.

Even on my worst days, I can usually find something for which I am thankful. Sometimes it’s as simple as the opportunity to proofread newspaper pages.

Yes, I’m thankful that I can work. I’m a trained journalist, and sometimes just the reminder that I can maintain some semblance of a work life spurs some gratitude.

Sometimes it’s knowing that Tony’s other caregiver is a phone call away if I run into real trouble. Accidents are more frequent these days, and sometimes Tony isn’t exactly cooperative in the aftermath. Knowing that I don’t have to struggle with the situation all by myself is a blessing I count regularly.

Sometimes it’s just realizing that my friends haven’t abandoned me. One friend has even gone above and beyond to make sure that I can regularly get out of the house and do something fun with my group of girls. That also includes making sure that someone is here for Tony so that he gets some friend time, too. If left to my own devices, this would not happen. I probably would find some excuse not to “bother” anyone.

Sometimes I remember that my sweet next-door neighbor cut my grass for the entire summer because she knew that I was going through cancer treatments and that Tony is long past the point of being able to deal with our lawn care. She chalked it up to wanting to use her riding mower a little more, but I think it’s just incredibly kind, and I’m grateful.

Sometimes I think about all the positive interactions I’ve had with readers over the years. When I first started writing a column, I’ll admit that I was a bit apprehensive. However, I’ve been overwhelmed at times with how caring and kind people have been to me. I’m so thankful for that.

The list could go on and on. Sometimes it’s as simple as getting a good night’s sleep, which isn’t as regular as it used to be.

An exercise that I know works is to take the time each night before bed to think of three things to be thankful for from the that day. The idea is to find three different things each day. After a while, you’ll have a pretty long list and something to look over when things become difficult.

Sure, gratitude doesn’t make the challenges go away. They just make them a little easier to bear.

Some people call that resilience.

• Joan Oliver is the former Northwest Herald assistant news editor. She has been associated with the Northwest Herald since 1990. She can be reached at jolivercolumn@gmail.com.