Paperwork: Some men carry the weight of the world – in their wallet

I have seen horror in my sons’ eyes.

It’s not terror they express, though. It’s disgust.

Their reaction is now predictable, usually after I slowly reach behind and pull from my left rear pocket THE WALLET!

There’s an audible groan. They step back a bit to distance themselves, as if they’ve never seen a billfold before and fear it might be contagious.

OK, I’m exaggerating. But my sons do think I need to upgrade and downsize. They do not understand why I haul around a chunk of leather that is bigger than a hockey puck ... and perhaps heavier.

They do a quick draw and flash their skinny wallets to show me how easily they slip in and out. Of a front pocket!

I’d never be able to cram my wallet into my front pocket. That would be cumbersome, ugly and probably embarrassing. I worry enough about how it looks in my back pocket. Do people think I have a tumor on my left buttock? More likely they just see an old man with an old man wallet.

Before I retired I would shove my wallet into its rear holster every day and head off to work. I sat at a desk most of the day. Then I learned what that little bundle was doing to my spine. I also noticed the faded, worn pattern in my left rear pocket – about the size of a wallet. So I changed my habits. The wallet went into a drawer while I worked.

I have studied the slim wallets the boys show me. They hold essentials: credit cards, driver’s license, some cash. But not much else. Now let’s take a closer look at my chunky storage locker.

I find: two medical insurance cards, a senior pass for all national parks, two expired AARP cards, business cards (towing service and insurance agent), a firearm owner’s card, five credit and one debit card, a BP driver rewards card I never use, one blank check, a former dental insurance card no longer valid, gas and restaurant receipts from July, five gift cards, and a couple of cards that will get me free ice cream and a free Chinese meal – if I remember to get them stamped after each visit.

Also, there is an Illinois Press Association member card from 2013. It boldly and proudly displays the letters PRESS. I have it next to my driver’s license. It’s in a pullout that I can flip open and display – like a badge.

Under the license is my current auto insurance card — plus two outdated cards.

I should also mention the $42 in cash. After all, that’s what wallets are for, right?

My inventory clearly reflects my life philosophy. Never throw anything away because it might be needed someday. And — even better — carry it all with you wherever you go.

Yes, my wallet is more like luggage. Might be an age thing. An old man’s wallet is sacred. It’s an important extension of who I am. A lifeline, and reliable, like an old friend. Parting would be difficult.

Although, my leathery friend – even when empty – still looks bulky. I do see some obvious things I can toss. Plus, does most of it have to be in the wallet at all times?

There is so much to consider, so for now I will shove it all back in my wallet. For the next time the boys see me drag the monster out of its cage.

Lonny Cain, retired managing editor of The Times in Ottawa, also was a reporter for The Herald-News in Joliet in the 1970s. His PaperWork email is lonnyjcain@gmail.com. Or mail The Times, 110 W. Jefferson St., Ottawa, IL 61350.