Spirit Matters: Midlife unraveling transforms into deep grounding

Ladies and gentlemen, let’s talk about unraveling.

In particular, the midlife unraveling that sneaks up on us and (seems to) mercilessly turn our world upside down and inside out.

During this time, we might have an identity crisis or a loss of a sense of control over our lives caused by any number of life circumstances.

I speak here as a woman. But as far as I know, no one is spared this undoing, although specifics certainly vary.

Very few of us are warned to expect a massive change, so when this unraveling hits, we often have no idea what is happening, how to handle it, or if and when it will ever end.

It isn’t exactly something socially acceptable for casual conversation.

So we suffer in silence.

I cannot pinpoint exactly when my “midlife unraveling” began. All I know is I noticed brain fog taking control of my life, and my shifting moods could be so extreme that even I didn’t want to be around myself.

Not to mention waking up in the middle of the night in a pool of sweat. And, of course, I’m always walking around in a T-shirt while everyone else is bundled up in sweaters and coats.

For women, these symptoms (and others) constitute what is known as perimenopause, a word I had never heard before I frantically began searching the internet to see what was wrong with me. Perimenopause is the transitional time from a woman’s child-bearing years to full menopause.

It can be a frightful time, indeed.

Although some of these symptoms have eased with a few medication tweaks, I have wondered regularly for the last five-plus years if I would ever feel like “myself” again. Or simply feel some sense of equanimity on a regular basis.

Through trial and error, I have found some ways to help ground myself.

Adequate quality sleep is necessary, including naps as needed. I have always required sufficient sleep to function well, but at this time in my life, it is not up for debate. Weighted blankets, in my opinion, are God’s gift to those prone to anxiety-induced sleeplessness.

A morning routine of meditative prayer that I do not stray from except for circumstances I cannot control. Spiritual practices have been a lifesaver for me again and again throughout my adult life.

I spend as much time outdoors as I can, and I use one of the body’s natural healing mechanisms: breath work.

Expressive creativity is essential to help manage high levels of stress and anxiety. Doodling and writing are my favorite go-to activities, but the options are vast and varied.

Solfeggio frequencies have changed my life in ways I didn’t expect. I choose from a wide variety of selections on YouTube as needed.

Exuberant laughter. The ability to laugh at ourselves, our shortcomings and life in general is an underrated superpower. So is offering the same compassion to ourselves that we offer to others.

Drinking plenty of water, and minimizing sugar and caffeine intake. Limiting processed foods and eating out, and adding various supplements to my diet.

Finally, the dreaded “get more exercise.” Personally, I think “move body more often,” sounds better and motivates me more. As much as we resist it, exercise works. It is a matter of finding what works for us. Always a work in progress.

Meanwhile, I have been on an accelerated quest to figure out not only exactly “why I am here” but also “what I should be doing with that.”

My biggest fear in life is not achieving the end for which I have been sent. Finding clarity has been my biggest challenge.

Brene Brown speaks eloquently of this chaotic state. In an excerpt from an article on midlife unraveling, https://brenebrown.com/articles/2018/05/24/the-midlife-unraveling she writes:

“Midlife is not a crisis. Midlife is an unraveling.

“By definition, you can’t control or manage an unraveling. You can’t cure the midlife unraveling with control any more than the acquisitions, accomplishments and alpha-parenting of our thirties cured our deep longing for permission to slow down and be imperfect.

“Midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close and whispers in your ear:

“I’m not screwing around. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go. Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy and lovable, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.

“Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through your veins. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”

In essence, a midlife unraveling forces us to admit our vulnerabilities and gain clarity about what really matters in life. It is designed for us to get real with ourselves – and with each other.

As I’m finding out, this undoing does not last forever.

Indeed, should we allow ourselves the grace of “losing it,” on the other side lies renewed life, where we can be more fully and unapologetically ourselves than ever.

And that is a gift of epic proportion.

SPIRIT MATTERS is a weekly column by Jerrilyn Zavada Novak that examines experiences common to the human spirit. Contact her at jzblue33@yahoo.com.