Spirit Matters: One year in, lessons in love multiply

Monday marks a milestone.

My husband and I will celebrate our first wedding anniversary.

So much has happened in one year.

Only a month and a half after our wedding, we learned I have two genetic mutations that make me highly susceptible to breast cancer, ovarian cancer, pancreatic cancer, skin cancer and cancer of the stomach lining.

Thus began months of uncertainty, specialist visits and medical tests. Since breast cancer is highly prevalent on my paternal side, we did not take these results lightly.

In December, my surgeon removed my uterus, ovaries and fallopian tubes, the first practical step in significantly reducing my risk of developing one of these cancers.

I have navigated the emotional ups and downs of the last year because my husband has walked with me every step of the way. He has accompanied me to appointments, held my hand, wiped away my tears, gently held me … and not batted an eye in taking care of me, even if it’s helping me clean up.

To the unmarried out there: This is what marriage is really about.

It is about being there for each other on good days and bad, messy days and uneventful days, no matter what. It is about choosing to love one another, even when you might not particularly like each other in a given moment.

In case you haven’t heard, love is a verb. You need a strong foundation of shared values and faith before you enter into this covenant. The intense feelings of mutual admiration that got you there won’t be enough to keep you there.

Before my marriage, I stood on the outside looking in at the married couples I know. From that vantage point, the solution to their issues seemed so obvious. I would wonder to myself, “Why can’t they just see this is the problem? They would be so much happier.”

Little did I know that no one outside of a marriage can truly know the ins and outs and complexities of any couple’s relationship. There are so many things that happen each day, so many words that are said and not said, so many things that no one knows about.

The unique personalities of the individuals in the marriage play a strong role in how the details of each day are managed.

Even after one is married, one’s partner will, in many ways, remain a mystery. That is just how it goes.

Each of our souls is far too enormous and intricate to be fully known by anyone but our creator. We have to learn to be OK with that. We need to allow that mystery to draw us deeper into learning about and knowing one another, for better or for worse, in good times and in bad, in sickness and in health, so long as we both shall live.

Our first year of marriage, despite the hardships, has been wonderful overall. That we were both in our 50s with decades of our own life experiences when we each married for the first time likely has something to do with it.

We have both been humbled by life many times.

In being humbled by life, we have learned to not let our own or others’ imperfections derail us.

But, in my opinion, even that is not enough to sustain a strong marriage over the long haul.

Our relationship began in the sacred space of St. Stephen’s Church in Streator. That sacred space was the ground where our friendship and engagement unfolded and developed. And it was in that sacred space where we committed our lives to one another, before the great mystery that drew us together.

Scott and I pray together often.

Sometimes we pray in words, but often we pray together quietly, knowing that mere words are inadequate to encapsulate the depth and breadth of our need for the great mystery to guide and sustain us through everyday life.

As we celebrate one year of marriage, we give thanks for the good times and not-so-good times, all times that have been opportunities for us to grow in the school of love.

And we ask for the grace for this bond of love to grow indestructible through whatever life might throw our way down the road.

SPIRIT MATTERS is a weekly column by Jerrilyn Zavada Novak that examines experiences common to the human spirit. Contact her at jzblue33@yahoo.com.