Spirit Matters: Give the gift of healing space

You might not be familiar with the term “hold space,” but I guarantee the concept is one from which we all can benefit.

The Centre for Holding Space website defines “hold space” as “being present, compassionate and supportive of someone without trying to fix or change them or their circumstances.”

I can think of a couple of times in my life where others held space for me.

Many years ago, when I was hospitalized at BroMenn in Normal for severe depression and anxiety, a chaplain visited me. At the time, I was in a state of shock and confusion and wanted someone to make sense of this upheaval in my life.

She didn’t say much. In fact, I don’t remember what she said at all. I think I was even a little disappointed that she didn’t say more.

But I do remember she was a comforting presence and that she listened to me with attentiveness and compassion.

Another time, I had recently been permanently laid off from my job. A longtime family friend invited me to her home, where she has a massage therapy business. She gifted me with a massage, which helped ease the emotional tension stuck in my body.

But perhaps more importantly, she was simply present – fully present and attentive – throughout our entire visit. She listened and gave me space to naturally express my complicated feelings.

I drove home that day feeling energized and rejuvenated. If you have ever been in the presence of someone who naturally emits healing energy, then you will understand a bit of my experience that day.

Often, those who are the best at offering the healing gift of holding space are those who have endured the fire of transformation in their own lives.

“Holding space is what we do when we walk alongside a person or group on a journey through liminal space,” said Heather Plett, co-founder of the Centre for Holding Space. “We do this without making them feel inadequate, trying to fix them or trying to impact the outcome. We open our hearts, offer unconditional support and let go of judgment and control.”

Neither of these women could change my circumstances, but they both gave me a gift more durable and long lasting than the shifting changes of my life. They gave me the experience of being listened to, seen and held in a safe, healing space. And that experience taught me more about how to offer the gift of holding space for others.

Now, I am a pretty good listener, but I am nowhere near perfect in the practice – and it is a practice – of holding space.

Although I have the best of intentions, my default is to offer some kind of helpful advice or life experience to ease someone else’s mess. I often don’t realize I’ve done this until after the words have come tumbling out of my mouth, and I chide myself for “making it all about me.”

I recently completed an eight-month online program through the Shalem Institute in Washington, D.C., called Heart Longings. As part of the program, we engaged in spiritual direction in small groups and on an individual basis. We also were assigned to break-out groups during our monthly Saturday morning meetings on Zoom.

One of the parameters of these sessions was that we were to listen without interrupting. We also were not to offer our own advice, but rather, to spend time together in silence and prayer, and offer any insights that might have arisen during that time.

I became keenly aware early on how much I tried to interject my own life experience into these situations. Still, I think I did improve on this throughout the eight months and found myself recognizing when I was about to say something unnecessary, and then not saying it.

When people are in a state of turmoil, the best gift we can offer them is our quiet, listening presence and a safe space.

Not platitudes, not advice, not a quick fix.

Because there are no quick fixes when someone you love has terminal cancer, or one of your parents or children has died, or you are suffering from a serious illness or loss.

But one broken human sitting with another, holding space – and maybe even holding their hand or giving them a meaningful hug – can facilitate the long, arduous journey to transformation that grief of any kind requires.

SPIRIT MATTERS is a weekly column by Jerrilyn Zavada Novak that examines experiences common to the human spirit. Contact her at jzblue33@yahoo.com.