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The older man stared at the blank, white envelope.
There was a bit of tremble in his hand, reflecting a sudden nervousness about the task ahead.
He was about to address the envelope before shoving in the birthday card he needed to send.
He studied the simple address on the slip of paper nearby and repeated the address aloud, to reassure himself. Then he forced himself to start writing, beginning with the name. But then, suddenly, he saw!
And so begins my tale of fear and anxiety and borderline panic. A tale of suspense that many of us have endured – and lived to tell about it.
Ha. I’m having a bit of fun here. To make a point. A point that was humorously illuminated recently by friend and fellow writer Terry.
As Terry told it: “I was mailing a letter to someone who has a the letter ‘b’ in their name. When I first addressed the envelope, I wrote ‘d’ instead of ‘b.’ I got another envelope and wrote ‘d’ instead of ‘b.’ Third time was the charm. I remember my students sometimes reversed the letters when printing. I guess I am not smarter than a fifth grader after all.”
Oooh, the pressure we put on ourselves when faced with a blank envelope. I felt Terry’s pain because I’ve done the same and then tried to scribble in a correction. Made it worse. It’s like a mental paper cut. It felt good tearing up the envelope. But you cannot always do that.
Some envelopes are special. The pressure swells when the envelope has a nice, thick paper stock with a brilliant blue or yellow or pink color. The perfect companion to the special card inside. It’s already a work of art and now I must write on it – with ink!
Suddenly my handwriting seems questionable and a bit dangerous. Will the letters be lined up or fall into a sloppy slope? I pull out one of my thin, metal rulers and place it carefully on the envelope for the perfect line.
I have flipped through all my pens to make sure I have the best one. The safest one. Please dear Lord, no ink smears! I test the pen on a piece of scratch paper. I practice the lettering. Yes. Yes, I think I am ready.
There’s still a touch of nervousness in my fingertips. The grip on the pen feels awkward. I hold my breath til it’s done. I start to relax a bit as I blow on the ink.
I cannot explain why this process is so stressful. Is it simply the fear of making a mistake, but what is that based on? Well, probably based on the number of times I have made mistakes. But what causes those slips of the pen? Merely nervousness?
Perhaps there should be more preparation before the envelope ritual? A mild sedative might help. Or a couple of stiff drinks. Maybe a massage or some professional counseling.
OK, I might be exaggerating a bit. But keep in mind the torture of addressing an envelope is nothing compared to the agony of filling out that special card inside. All the same fears exist times 10 PLUS the words must be well-chosen, touching and borderline prophetic.
No pressure there.
Perhaps you find this amusing. Well, good. I have had some fun writing this. Perhaps too much fun.
But I have to say … I’m really glad I don’t have to mail this to anyone. In an envelope.
• Lonny Cain, retired managing editor of The Times in Ottawa, also was a reporter for The Herald-News in Joliet in the 1970s. His PaperWork email is lonnyjcain@gmail.com. Or mail The Times, 110 W. Jefferson St., Ottawa, IL 61350.