Paperwork: We’re doing a slow waltz now, but it’s been a good dance

I am no expert on marriage. (Remember that.)

But I certainly can make careful observations about mine. If you’re married then you understand what I mean by “careful.”

I like to compare marriage to an intricate tango. You know ... that rigorous dance that takes two. Key word there is rigorous. It’s a rough and tumble and passionate dance, yes? Takes practice. Vigorous, although less frisky as you get older.

As with any dance, certain moves are expected. You must be in sync with your partner. Anticipate every move. Ahh, so it is in marriage, especially that verbal tango that takes place every day when words are predictable and responses can be tricky.

I was reminded of this the other day when my wife walked into the room saying, “You know what I was thinking?”

“Usually,” I responded.

She loves my quick wit and humor. Well, she laughed. And then shared whatever she was thinking. But she also made one thing clear: “No, you do not know everything I think.”

That’s part of this dance we’ve been doing for a long time. Oct. 11, 2024, marked 38 years plus the five years we were a couple before the “I do.”

Over time you get to know the moves, the patterns, the idiosyncrasies. We both have become predictable, even with conversations.

After so many years though I’ve come to realize it’s not so much what we say to each other every day. It’s the things we don’t say that become understood, especially by the little things we do.

She comes home from shopping and drops a Hershey’s with almonds on the counter. This from the woman who has become my front line against ever getting diabetes. But ... she knows I love that candy bar. I’d call that a love connection.

On her 65th birthday, I bought her 65 hair ties and hid them around the house. This was fitting because I constantly find them around the house – on the floor, under couch cushions, under beds, etc. (She has not found them all yet because I see one still in the kitchen.)

So we toss each other little messages that don’t need speeches. It’s part of our dance and we know the moves. Even if the tango has evolved into a slow waltz, we embrace the harmony.

Oh, we snap and bite at each other. There are good days and bad. But I have to say when I look over and see her smile or laugh … it fills the room. And I’ve come to appreciate the comfort that comes from her being in the room.

I guess that’s what counts the most. Just showing up. Being there for each other. Both of us are at the age now that we wonder what our world would be like without the other. We talk about who will “go” first.

We don’t have to hold hands to be attached – at all times. With the two of us, there is a balance in life that would tumble off-kilter without the other.

That’s why with every anniversary it’s appropriate to toast your partner with those few words we toss around at the end of phone chats, goodbyes and greeting cards.

Say it out loud, “Love ya.”

Then maybe add a bit more, like … “And thanks for the dance.”

• Lonny Cain, retired managing editor of The Times in Ottawa, also was a reporter for The Herald-News in Joliet in the 1970s. His PaperWork email is lonnyjcain@gmail.com. Or mail The Times, 110 W. Jefferson St., Ottawa, IL 61350.