Write Team: Love is still there through grief

Someone you know is missing somebody.

And that statement is most likely true for more than one person.

Everyone deals with loss at one time or another. It may be due to estrangement. Or someone you love has passed away. Or you may not live near each other.

Living with loss is hard enough on normal days, but throw the holiday season into the mix, and that can yield a whole new set of emotions and issues.

This can be a wonderful time of year but it is also stressful. There can be unrealistic expectations of the perfect holiday, whatever that may mean. Anxiety to find the best gifts and bake the best cookies can lead to fatigue and resentment.

It’s hard enough to deal with all the busyness that comes with this season, let alone if grief has crept inside you. When people wish you Merry Christmas, you may struggle to see anything merry.

The grief inside us is not the only thing there. It’s just the newest arrival, so it is commanding the most attention. Love is still there. We wouldn’t have sorrow if love wasn’t there first. Love and grief co-exist.

Some days and seasons are harder than others. When we accept that truth, we allow ourselves to have genuine expectations, knowing there are going to be trigger days and difficult moments just as much as there will be joyful ones.

I miss our oldest grandson, Hunter. He passed away unexpectedly at the age of 5 months. His 18th birthday is tomorrow.

I think about him every day. He would be a high school senior, and we wonder what he would have been interested in, and what he would plan to do after graduation in the spring.

Christmas with Hunter was extra special that year. I sewed a red and green plaid stocking, larger than usual, and shimmied him into it so I could take his picture. He had a onesie that said “best gift ever,” and truer words were never spoken. I took a picture of him wearing that, too.

Holiday memories can be a double-edged sword. We relish those happy days and wish we could recreate them again.

But we can’t. There are days when our memories swallow us, and we feel consumed, wishing our loved ones were here. It’s hard to look at old pictures and not cry.

The tears are both happy and sad because love and grief remain. So be patient with yourself as well as others who are also missing someone. The journey isn’t easy.

The first Christmases after our other four grandchildren were born, I stuffed each one into that stocking and took pictures. Every December, I take those five pictures out and feel all the emotions.

Tomorrow we’ll sing Happy Birthday and remember Hunter with love, feeling all the emotions. I didn’t know it then, but starting the stocking tradition with my Peanut Baby and continuing it with the other grandbabies turned out to be a blessing.

Because a baby will always be the greatest gift of love.

Karen Roth is a semiretired librarian/educator living in Ottawa. She can be reached at dbarichello@shawmedia.com.