Write Team: Searching for clues - Who am I?

Who am I? It is a pivotal question I am searching to answer even in my later years.

There are various ways to determine who we are. What makes us us? Who we are could be categorized as identity. Merriam-Webster defines identity as “the distinguishing character or personality of an individual.” However, identity is so much more than that. Yes, our personality or character traits can define us, but so can our beliefs, passions and life experiences, to name a few.

Answering who we are could even be considered a philosophical question. A question that many are still trying to figure out. My journey with searching for answers lies in my quest to find out where I came from. My heritage. This, too, makes us who we are. Why has this been a mystery to me? Because my very loving parents adopted me.

At age 7, I remember when my parents told me I was adopted. They called me in from playing, sat me down and read me a book about adoption. When they finished reading, they asked if I had any questions. I said, “One. Can I go back out and play?” I honestly thought nothing about it at the time because I felt “home” and had never wanted for anything growing up. I knew I was loved. As I grew older, other kids teased me, which may have led to my growing curiosity. Both of my parents were very open with me, but they honestly had no background information concerning my biological parents. My adoption story began in the 1960s through Catholic Social Service, and these adoptions were not open like they are today. I often wondered why I was put up for adoption, but that was the extent of my thoughts. That phase began to change as I went on to college.

I went to Illinois State University and decided to visit the Baby Fold to inquire what I could do to answer some lingering questions. They were very helpful but told me I would need pertinent information from my parents to start the process. I felt so guilty for wanting to pursue this that I decided to do nothing. I know in my heart that my parents would have supported me, but I also know it would have hurt them even the tiniest bit, and I didn’t want that.

As I started having my own family, my curiosity changed to discovering any medical history I could for myself, my children and my grandchildren. Doctors were always amazed at how healthy I was because I would say no to all the questions on the questionnaire. It is a blessing not to know any medical history because being healthy is about 10% genetics and 90% lifestyle choices; therefore, I have subconsciously chosen to create healthy habits. Being an only adopted child, I also wonder if I have siblings. That would be such an incredible discovery. What finally pushed me to try Ancestry was that I genuinely couldn’t answer where I came from. Again, not only for me but for my family too. I can say it has been exciting trying to figure out, based on my physical characteristics, where my ancestors may have come from. When my youngest son was little, he told me I was the size of the average man because I was tall. Thanks, buddy. Maybe I have some Dutch in my veins. I have olive skin and blue eyes. Could I be from Mediterranean ancestry? In six weeks, I should find out. Will the results lead to answers or more questions? We shall see.

Every adopted child’s story and journey may differ, but we all share one common thread: love. The decision to give a child up for adoption is a testament to the strength of love, a love that seeks a better life for the child. And for the adoptive parents, there is a unique love and bond. I know that my parents longed deeply for a child, and I was the answer to their prayers. My love for them knows no bounds, and I feel blessed to be their daughter. They are above watching over my family and me, cheering me on this journey. Adoption, in all its complexities, is a gift for all involved, a testament to the power of love.

So, who are we? The answer to that question evolves with the seasons of our lives. Yet, our roots remain constant. If someone were to ask me who I am, I would say I am a perpetual optimist, a high-energy oddity with a profound love for God, family, life and humanity. I am a passionate educator and an open-minded individual, willing to see new perspectives. In a few short weeks, I will have answers about my ethnicity, something I have pondered for years. The journey of self-discovery is a lifelong adventure, and we are never too old to embark on it. As time goes on, life happens, but the love of my family is constant and will remain in my heart forever.

Love and miss you, Mom and Dad.

• Lee Ann Raikes, aka “Large Marge,” is a resident of Utica. She is a high school educator at Regional Office of Education 35 Academy and has been involved in education for more than 20 years.