Turns out this is a terrible time to be house hunting.
Sadly, needs must, and I’ve been forced to face a slew of disappointments this past month as I search for a place that may not be the house of my dreams, but will (hopefully) keep me, my four cats and an extensive collection of books out of the elements.
To combat the continual frustrations of my quest, I decided to take a moment to catch my breath and think back on all of the stunning, character-rich, swoon-worthy fictional homes I’ve coveted over the years, starting with:
9. The Thrombey mansion (“Knives Out”)
Yeah, this kooky, exorbitantly expensive place is a little too big and a little too cluttered to be a truly comfortable place to call home.
But it would be so fun to spend a few weeks, if not months, perusing every wild collectible and intriguing knick-knack this mansion has to offer. I could happily while away a full summer in eccentric writer Harlan Thrombey’s book-lined study. And you just know there are at least three secret passages or rooms.
8. Miss Honey’s cottage (“Matilda”)
Veering sharply in the opposite direction, Miss Honey’s tiny cottage is a little rough around the edges — in the book, Dahl makes a point of mentioning the cottage doesn’t even have electricity or running water. (That would certainly be frustrating to deal with on a daily basis, but this list isn’t about practicality; we’re only concerned with The Vibes.)
But that wildflower-filled front garden, the moss-covered roof and the hodgepodge of dishes in the kitchen were burned into my psyche at a formative age. When I hear the word “cottage,” this is what instantly springs to mind.
7. Howl Pendragon’s castle (“Howl’s Moving Castle”)
Before Sophie Hatter takes her broom to the place, this walking house is more fit for a horror movie than a fairy tale. But with a bit of spit and polish — and more than a little magic — Howl’s castle becomes a surprisingly comfortable home.
Heavily inspired by Baba Yaga’s chicken-footed hut and powered by a fire demon named Calcifer, this dream house offers the best of all worlds: all of the benefits of an RV lifestyle, with an option for instant travel between cities/countries with a twist of the magic doorknob, and your rooms would reconfigure themselves should you decide to add onto the family or make a sudden career change. How versatile!
6. The Darling Mermaid Darlings’ Victorian (“Pushing Daisies”)
Bryan Fuller, the creator of “Pushing Daisies,” has a knack for blending Technicolor cuteness with wacky weirdness. And the bird/book/cheese-filled mansion of retired synchronized swimmers Lily and Vivian Charles (the Darling Mermaid Darlings) has to be the most covetable of Fuller’s TV homes.
Books fill the walls from floor to ceiling. The parlor is crammed with brocaded chairs, a jigsaw puzzle of Persian rugs, wrought iron birdcages, stuffed peacocks and shadow boxes full of shells. Everything is richly colored, the walls papered with dark damask. There are pocket doors. (My passion for pocket doors is deep and abiding.)
You’d be dusting for hours every day, but it’d (almost) be worth it.
5. Ursula’s cabin (“Kiki’s Delivery Service”)
“Hey, Angie, how often do you fantasize about running away to the woods and becoming a witchy hermit?” Answer: Constantly.
Artist Ursula is absolutely living my dream in this Ghibli film, spending her days making art in a secluded, single-roomed cabin, a flock of crows her only neighbors.
Boy, do I want that.
4. The Beast’s castle (“Beauty and the Beast”)
For that library, I could absolutely put up with a bad-tempered, hairy roommate and a curse on a ticking deadline. The Gothic fangirl in me is delighted by the gargoyle-festooned, Baroque architecture.
And while it would be awkward to eat my meals out of enchanted cookware — catch me asking my bowl “Um, were you a human prior to this curse, or are you just an inanimate object that’s been enchanted?” before I can properly enjoy into my vichyssoise — I think it would be fun to have furniture that talked back when you apologized for bumping into it.
3. Bag End (“The Hobbit”/”The Lord of the Rings”)
I know some folks prefer wide open floor plans, full-length windows and vaulted ceilings, but I love the idea of a cozy burrow. I would 100% sleep in a medieval box-bed (Google it and tell me that doesn’t look comfy) if I had the chance.
What I especially love about Hobbit holes like Bag End is while they’re built into hills and mostly underground, they still manage to have a lot of natural light and an airy feel, thanks to their circular windows/doorways and plenty of pale wood. Bag End also boasts a stupendously stocked pantry, as is only right for a Hobbit home, and charming fireplaces.
2. The Addams mansion (“The Addams Family”)
Is a house truly a home if it doesn’t have secret passages? A massive library? Impressive taxidermy, a two-hearse garage, its own cemetery, an attached greenhouse and a grand staircase? Oh, and a giant aquarium for my pet octopus?
The Addams mansion checks off every item 10-year-old Angie would’ve put on a list of requirements for her future abode. You could explore this house every day and still find new treasures. And the house-keeping would actually be pretty minimal: cobwebs are very much an intentional part of the décor.
1. The Owens Victorian (“Practical Magic”)
All of the previous homes have their pros and cons. But this one? This is the Platonic Ideal Home. The pinnacle; the end all, be all; the peak in terms of aesthetic and use.
The kitchen is a lovely blend between old and new, where a margarita blender and a cauldron can seamlessly coexist. The glass-fronted cabinets are full of crystal vases and candles. The drawers hold cutlery and the family’s Book of Shadows.
There’s a tower with a widow’s walk. An attic bedroom full of natural light and exposed beams. A gorgeous greenhouse. Huge vegetable and flower gardens. A massive wrap-around porch. Those aforementioned pocket doors I crave so badly. There are at least three cats around at all times.
And the whole thing is perched on a rocky seaside, on the edge of a New England island rich with folklore. This is what it’s all about, y’all. No other house could ever compare to this dreamy, witchy abode.
Knowing they built it expressly for the movie, and had to tear it down afterwards, doesn’t diminish the love I feel for it. You may be gone, Owens Victorian house — but you will live on forever in my heart of hearts.
• Angie Barry is a contributing columnist for Shaw Media. To suggest future topics for The B-List, which covers topics in pop culture, history and literature, contact her at newsroom@mywebtimes.com.